Monday, May 4, 2009
Yesterday, I went to the Vatican to have lunch with my good friend, the Pope. I met him many years ago and we now have lunch together once or twice a week. After lunch, the Pope and I sit together to drink some whiskey, play poker, and talk about old times. Once the doors have closed, the Pope tends to relax, shows his sweet side, and is generally less annoying and disturbing than his public persona. But this time, that didn't happen. He was acting stranger than usual, and I knew something was going on. Then I noticed the metallic seam along the side of his ear. I jumped up out of my chair.
"RoboPope! It's you! What have you done to my dear friend??"
RoboPope responded, but spoke in a creaky Latin, so I couldn't understand him.
"But, I thought that we had gotten rid of you! I saw you die in the Mouth of Fire after you tried to take over Catholicism!"
Again, he spoke, and I was frightened.
"Well, I guess that means you didn't. But where is my friend? I know it was you that offended the Muslims! The real Pope would never do that! You, sir, are an evil robot!" My eyes widened when I saw him reach his hands beneath his robes. I knew what he was going to do. He pulled out--the Bible of Doom! I had, unfortunately, encountered this deceptive device of doom before. Once opened, this common-looking Bible spits out a ball of fire. RoboPope began to open it and I jumped and rolled under a statue of Christ. The fire just skimmed the edge of the statue, and I couldn't help myself. I poked my head out.
"You can't do that! This is a Michelangelo!" I heard a horrible, screeching mechanical noise and I covered my ears. I then realized that it was RoboPope laughing. I shuddered. Then I remembered where I was. The Official Papal Staff was behind me. This was an emergency. I turned and broke the safety glass, pulling out the Staff. I rolled in front of RoboPope and his Bible of Doom and, using the Papal stick, I managed to push it into his bellybutton, which also happened to be his Off button.
I knew I had to find my friend, the Pope, fast, because RoboPope doesn't stay off for long. I looked into his bedroom and screamed for him. What could RoboPope possibly have done with him?
I had an idea. Of course! The cabinet where the real Pope kept the whiskey, cards, and the irreplaceable Catholic treasures. I was one of the few people who knew about it. I ran to it and sang Ave Maria six times, and the door opened! My friend, the Pope, was curled up.
"Are you all right in there?"
"Yes, yes, I'm okay. But there's something awfully uncomfortable behind my back." I helped him out and we looked inside. "Eh, it's only the rest of the True Cross."
"All right, so what do we do with RoboPope?" I asked.
Returning to the room, the Pope looked around and made a decision. We would wrap him in a priceless tapestry he'd had lying in the corner.
"Are you sure this is all right? This looks like a fourteenth century piece, " I said.
He snickered. "We're the Catholic Church! We can replace it. He glanced out into the hallway, looking both ways, then turned back to me. "All right, let's go!"
We carried him out in the tapestry, past all the dozing guards, and heaved him into the Popemobile. We drove through a secret underground passageway which connected the Vatican to an ancient fortress, which served as a prison for heretics and other people the Vatican didn't like for hundreds of years. Unbeknownst to local authorities, it still is.
The Pope and I stopped near the river, and pulled RoboPope out, throwing him, and the tapestry, into the depths. Interestingly enough, no one recognized the Pope. It might have been his ducky pajamas, though I would think his Pope hat would have given him away. He never does take it off, except when the bishops make him for certain functions. After we had finished catching our breath from throwing RoboPope, we turned to each other and sighed. The Pope put his hand shakily on my shoulder and turned me around toward the Popemobile.
"Lunch?" he asked. I agreed, and we headed back.